Thoughts while alone

It’s not often these days that I have time to myself. Time to just think and remember how we got to this place. Last night was the first time in many months I’ve been able to just be alone with those thoughts. And today I’m overwhelmed.

I’ve been saving our conversations for a very long time. I don’t know why. It’s not as though someone will write our love story. That our children will seek and find the power in the universe that brought us, and as a result their existence, into being. That’s not going to happen. So then why?

Perhaps it’s to relive every moment when you catch me and steal my breath. Reading the unexpected “I’m in love with you” message. The random picture where you’re looking at me. That’s my look. I can see it even when I’m not the only audience.

Maybe I’m a masochistic. For many of our memories are quite unpleasant. Not to mention the pictures and videos take by or for someone else. Seeing your lips moving up and down someone’s else’s cock. Watching someone else penetrate you. Seeing an orgasm that I wasn’t part of. Reading your sharp words and knowing that you knew exactly what you were doing when you wrote them. Knowing your goal was to chastise and hurt me.

But it isn’t. It’s because I always knew. I knew that we would be here. In this space and time. Separately together. Looking back to the beginning is painful. But seeing where and what we’ve grown into is amazing. And there would not be that contrast of the memories of what was were they not preserved. How appropriate that history plays such a role in your life.

My original goal was to sit back and enjoy a dirty jerk off session. With time to myself I could finally savor it. Instead I relived many months. I relived your words. I relived your change. Once again I got to feel your acceptance. Do you have any concept of how that feels? They’re no way you could. Imagine getting to relieve the last 6 months. The ups and downs. With each conversation the pit in my stomach rose. Even knowing what you would say. I was still on the edge of my seat waiting to read it once again as if for the very first time. I got to experience your walls crashing down. I got to feel you cry and seek me out. To be the only other human being in the universe that you wanted to hold you and wipe your tears. I got to see you treat me with kindness and patients, when before I silently begged for it. I got to relive that change.

I looked at every picture and video I have of you. Many non sexual. I got to relive the feeling of getting each one. I was able to read your face knowing what stage we were in. I could see your walls and see when they were gone.

I stroked myself slowly looking at each one. Mentally trying to unravel your enigma. Wondering if I indeed knew what was going on in your mind. I could see the hard and the soft sides. I stroked myself watching videos of you. Seeing us fuck with abandon. My cock sliding into you. Knowing in the end I would erupt inside of you. And that you would willingly accommodate me. I watched you masturbate while staring directly at me. Calling my name. Telling me you loved me. I could almost taste you. Wishing I could taste your climax.

Faster and faster I stroked my hard cock to the pictures of you. Your amazing tits. The nipples I love to suck on. Imagining you riding me with them hanging right in my face. Sucking and touching them while you looked down at me. I thought about cuming inside of you when you rode me.

I was back in the downstairs bathroom. Feeling your urgency. You made me feel like you had never needed someone so much as you needed me at that moment. Sucking my cock. I wanted to cum for you. I wanted to cum right in your mouth to show you how much you excited me. In that moment I felt like you wanted that too. To be completely uninhibited. To serve me because serving me made you whole just as loving you makes me complete.

I looked at everything imagining past events and future fantasy. I held myself off for a long time. Not wanting it to end. My mind being the only place I can truly take my time without worrying about getting caught. I relived every time we’ve fucked and made love. Every time you came on me and me in you. We were right there. Together. Until I couldn’t hold it any longer. I let go. Writhing and muscles tensing. Excited and horny and happy and sad all at the same time. Cursing the universe for showing me this and not letting me have all of it. Cursing you for not finding me sooner.

As the waters receded other thoughts came to me. How amazing your grace has been.

How even though I never gave up nothing would be different if you hadn’t just let me love you. Opened yourself up and accepted me. Trusted me. Which is perhaps your greatest gift. It makes me feel unworthy of your gifts but reminds me to never grow complacent. To never stop trying to earn you. How I never want to stop chasing you. How I love what we have.