Hopeless (sometimes)

I get home at 2 a.m. I remove my jacket and hang it by the door; we’re on a unusually cold winter so my jacket has to be ready at all times for when I have to leave. I turn on the lights of my living room and then turn on the fireplace, hoping to get warm inside the security of my house. I take off my shoes then go to the kitchen to prepare some quick tea, because I just can’t stand how cold my body is feeling. Who said that outdoor restaurants should be open during the winter?!

I had just gotten home from a date. It was my first date in quite a while, and I was very excited about it. However, I know it won’t go any further than what happened tonight, and the guy, his name is Antonio, and I will probably never talk again. Call me pessimistic, but I have learned to see the signs when something just won’t work. Maybe I see them all the time.

By the time the tea is done, my body feels warmer already, thanks to the heat coming from the stove. I serve the tea on my favorite mug then leave for the living room, and sit in front of the fireplace to calmly drink my tea. I grab my phone and check my social media; it seems like everybody had a great time on Saturday night. Not me, exactly.

I had met Antonio a few weeks ago on Instagram. We had chatted for almost entire days since day one of meeting, and tonight was our great moment to see each other in person and truly connect, or so I thought. We had been chatting pretty casually and it was good; I was starting to warm up to the idea of him and he seemed to be interested in me and devoted to spending time on me. It was a blessing when we both were free enough to go on a date.

The date was, to put it shortly, very awkward. Talking to him in person wasn’t as easy or natural as it was texting. Is this a modern romance dilemma? I have been there before. It was hard to talk to him because he seemed so uninterested the whole time, and the most physical we got was just a kiss on the cheek when saying good bye. The cheek. He didn’t ask many questions, or talk about the food, heck he didn’t even talk about the food. Was he too scared now, of having the actual person in front of him that he got silent?

Just a few days ago, we had let our horniness get the best of us and exchanged a couple of nudes on Snapchat. He was truly a good looking man, and not only that, he was well endowed too. It’s a shame I didn’t even get to taste him. Not his mouth or his cock. He had bright emerald green eyes, short dirty blonde hair, a killer jawline and a pretty smile, besides he was pretty stylish. His cock was not super long but it was thick, and it looked hot. It was not very hairy, just like I like them. He was very naughty in text. I wonder what happened to that. Was it just an elaborate persona to show on chat platforms?

I was, however, expecting the disappointment to a degree, because all my dating experiences before have been terrible as well, but this one takes the crown probably. The smell of my peach tea was very calming. Anyway, my previous dating historical has also been a fucked up mess. It’s like everybody nowadays has a personality disorder or something, or maybe everybody is afraid of commitment? I hate feeling like a simple option, but that is how most guys make me feel. The last time I got laid… I can’t even remember. I haven’t even had a boyfriend since forever.

And one thing that took me a long to discover is that: there is nothing wrong with me. It’s literally these guys either putting up excuses, or not being able to talk clearly, or being straight up jackasses or simple cowards. I am there with my full disposition, being as honest as I can because that is the best I can do, and if they can’t appreciate something like that then that is their fault.

I have been very horny lately and I was AT LEAST expecting a blowjob from Antonio, but what the heck, he didn’t even want to come to my house?! Why did he even accept to have a date with me in the first place, anyway. All this made me confused and depressed. Will my dating life always be an endless loop of failures and disappointments? I hope not. But right now I am feeling quite hopeless.

Maybe I’ll get another guy to like in a few days or weeks. Maybe this new guy will help me and at least get me laid for once. Because I truly feel like I need it, but I am not willing to just go on a hook up site and get just anyone to get my desires fulfilled. That would kinda devalue the whole thing. And it won’t be satisfactory in the end and will leave me wanting more and then, before I know it, I’ll be living in a loop of hook ups. Bad hook ups. I have seen my friends spiral down to this.

The tea is now over and I am starting to feel sleepy. It’s probably best if I was to bed now instead of over thinking some more. I’ll just masturbate and fall asleep then will forget everything about Antonio, because that is what he was in my life, just a stepping stone to step on then leave behind and forget. But for a while, I wished to stay on the stone and I wanted the stone to like me.