How many times did we NOT screw?

It was a dark night… about eleven pm… and Xiao Wei Li was working late at his Li Empire Company. ‘I hate these late nights.’ And geez, was he fucking exhausted. ‘I want to go home.’ Xiao Wei sighed tiredly. His sexy dark chocolate brown locks fell over his hot gorgeous amber eyes….

 

A whole year has passed by, thought Xiao Wei… a brilliant year for… the Li Empire Company… Catherina’s and his children at school… the Eldersons with their new baby… Thomas Willis and his engagement to his now sister in law… Frederick Willis and his exciting discoveries on digging sites in Hong Kong… Xiao Wei’s Mother, Yen Lui Li and her busy days with marrying off his four hyper sisters – ‘God help their husbands!”

 

And of ‘course, all of their other friends were having fantastic years for themselves, without all the shit he had to endure.

 

However, Xiao Wei… no, Xiao Wei couldn’t help but think about the things that were bugging him, causing him problems… for the whole year….

 

And so, he decided to write a long e-mail to his main problem – his sex life.

_____

 

 

To My Dearest Wife Catherina,

 

During the past year, I have attempted to make tender love to you 365 times. I have succeeded 36 times, which is an average of only once every 10 days, honey. This is utterly shameful and really bad to my all-powerful male ego. So, the following is a list of why I didn’t succeed screwing you more often:

 

We will wake our lovely brats – 54 times

 

It’s too damn late, when I come home from work – 21 times

 

I’m too fucking tired with the Li Clan and Empire – 42 times

 

It’s too bloody early in the morning – 12 times

 

It’s too hot during the morning, day and night – 9 times

 

You are pretending to be asleep – 18 times

 

Our neighbours, family and friends – Damn, Eldersons! – will hear us and try to ‘film’ us – 31 times

 

Headache, backache, or any ‘ache’ – 26 times

 

Lucke and his ‘pudding addict’! Then Ned with his ‘drunkenness by eating sweet things’! – 15 times

 

Your AWFUL brother – Thomas – will hear us – 19 times

 

You are not in the mood – 14 times

 

Watching a late night show with Sandra – 26 times

 

You are training with the team and their cheerleaders– 10 times

 

New hairdo, make over from Sandra, or any ‘makeover’ – 7 times

 

Wrong time of the month – 17 times

 

You have to go to the bathroom – 8 times

 

Of the 36 times that I DID succeed, the result was not always satisfying me because 6 times you just laid there, 8 times you reminded that there was a crack in the ceiling, 4 times you told me to hurry up and get it over with, 7 times I had to wake up to tell you I was finished, and once I was afraid that I had hurt you because you started thrashing around and breathing heavy.

 

Let’s try to improve this, shall we babe?

 

Love, Your ‘Little Wolf’

 

______

 

A beautiful woman was sitting on her huge king sized bed with a laptop settled right on top her crossed longs smooth legs. Her forest green emerald jewelled eyes were closing tiredly, while her soft golden auburn brown, shiny shoulder length hair rested lazily on her head.

 

Catherina Li yawned in exhaustion, waiting for her lovely hubby to come home. She was just about to close her e-mail account, when she suddenly saw an e-mail flash up on her screen and silently, yet curiously Catherina began to read….

 

A few minutes passed, where Catherina sat in total silence, read it over and over, and over again marvelled at her gorgeous man… but then… she burst out laughing! ‘Oh, Xiao Wei… my ‘Little Wolf’.’ She smiled sweetly, shaking her head softly in amusement, and then feeling naughty as a bad schoolgirl – Catherina started to reply her husband’s courageous e-mail….

 

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To My Dearest Husband Xiao Wei,

 

I think you got things are a little confused, my darling. Here are the REAL reasons you didn’t get more sex than you did this year:

 

You came home with a massive hangover on yourself – Leonard’s fault. – and tried to screw Thomas – 23 times

 

You did not come home at all, and I would find you asleep against your desk at work – 36 times

 

You did not ‘come’ during finishing making love – 21 times

 

You ‘came’ too soon while making love– 38 times

 

Your penis went soft before you got it in – 19 times

 

Our lovely children, NOT brats wanted to play with you and have your devoted attention – 16 times

 

Working too late – 33 times

 

You were doing intense training in the gym or back garden – 29 times

 

You caught your penis in your zipper – 21 times

 

You chased the dogs around the mansion all night – 15 times

 

You were enjoying eating chocolate instead – 8 times

 

Your lovely hyper sisters and Mei Wan were chasing you all over Boston– 12 times

 

You had to go away on business around the world – 42 times

 

You ‘came’ in your boxer shorts after reading a dirty book – 16 times

 

The reason I laid still was because you had missed me and were screwing the sheet instead. You seemed to be having a good time and I didn’t want to move and spoil it for you. I wasn’t talking about the crack in the ceiling – there isn’t any! What I said was, “Would you like me on my back or kneeling?” The time I was thrashing around and gasping was when you farted and I was fighting for air.

 

So, maybe you can work on your ‘shortcomings’, darling?

 

P.S. We’ll talk about all of this later… come home, sweetheart….

 

Love, Your ‘Cherry Blossom’

 

________

 

Xiao Wei read the e-mail his beautiful Catherina sent him from home. He was looking at the screen, shocked and stunned. ‘Oh, man….’ He groaned in embarrassment, rolling his dark eyes to the ceiling. ‘Damn those ‘shortcomings’!”