Dreams and Feelings

For the past week or two I’ve been feeling a down. After coming with terms with my reality, I just don’t feel the same as I once did. I don’t want to eat much, I’m ignoring my text messages even from those who do care for me, and I’m just lying in my bed all day only getting up to eat, drink, and relieve myself from the decomposed edible stuff from the day.

That’s been my days since I stopped loving this boy. Well, not entirely. I do, sometimes think about him because I like to daydream a lot about him in scenarios where we are both happy, smiling contently, rosy from our cheeks to smitten looks we give when he glance at each other.

I’m in a weird limbo state where I hate him and I lov- like him and I don’t want to talk to anyone about him anymore because I feel like I exhausted myself from slandering him, complimenting him, and just crying ‘cause of him. And I don’t think my friends would like that I’m still experiencing these emotions after multiple attempts and times I’ve said, “I am OVER him.”

I’m constantly reminded of his existence even when I’m doing my best not to utter his name aloud. He sends me videos that made me question his actions and all the stuff that he’s not telling me right now.

I am bothered that we are not close as we once were. I’m referring to the times I agreed with myself that I wouldn’t love him romantically, instead platonically. That time I was happy and couldn’t be anymore happier than I ever was. It’s been more than two years and I’m still stuck in my memories.

He’s not seeing anyone but he is doing stuff that is suspicious and that is making me uncomfortable. As always doing my best to keep my head held high when I really want to scream and shout in front his bonehead, just so he can get it through his immature mind that he needs to stop hurting people before he tries to defy a person who has the capabilities of locking him up.

For Good. And I don’t want that, however I do understand that his behavior needs to be punished. I’m left under stalemate and it all goes thanks to that tramp little girl interfering with our relationship.

Last time I dreamt that we separately went to attend an alumni party our high school made. This time the occasion was held in the Ballroom in the Paris Lounge. I came in fashionably late and approached the ballroom as if I was nothing special, when I really looked stunning and all the members from my ass and others wanted to approach me to date.

When the crowd grows loud of my own presence, I’m at the punch bowl grabbing a Champagne to drink comfortably while I await any announcements from the stage above the floor. I made no eye contact with anyone until a familiar voice, my friend Javier or Kyle called me over. I would greet them with a warm embrace. A hug to demonstrate my affection for them as a good, loving, and loyal friends.

Meanwhile, the one who I was trying to forget was jealously glaring at me as I appear nonchalant towards all my friends except for him. Towards the end of the party, I would be done ignoring him and avoiding being alone with him even for a second because his existence perturbed me and I don’t want to hear any excuses coming from his lying mouth. I would leave without letting him say anything for me to dwell later into the night to I’m not even sure.

But, I do know that he would be regretful and would want to find a way to get me back when he ruined our friendship by not complying with what makes us friends. To be concerned for each other and to make sure that we are both well in mental and physical health. Well that a bit of the same thing. I digress, I’m slowly falling asleep because this entry talking about him it’s exhausting. I will keep you posted, diary.

I woke up from a dream that far beyond my usual dreams of darkness. Actually it’s been awhile since I had this type of dream. Us. Ripping our clothes off each other, watching each other’s bodies complimenting each other by words like sexy, beautiful, and something that we both imagined how we’d look. He grabs my naked body and carries me bridal style to our California King Bed.

Lying on the bed, we both graze each other while we looked deep into each other’s eyes. I to his hazel green eyes and him to my dark brown eyes. Our breathing pattern was in-sync. It’s like we were able to communicate with just looking at each other, not talking whatsoever. I was built with this desire to complete my design as what god intended for Eve. To be his woman…forever.

He was my Adam and I was his Eve, Now that I think about it, I never felt so more alone. After reflecting my dream a bit. We had sex alright, but it wasn’t a meaningless one like I had imagined in the past. It was like we were married in my dream and nothing was holding us back from acting in our primary extincts. He will throw me on my chest and roughly position my body ready to plunge into a doggystyle.

He grabbed my long brown hair and gently stroke his penis into my vagina. We were consummating our marriage with this weird abrasively gentle sex. I moaned when he leaned forward so he can hear it. I like to motivate my man especially when he’s giving me what the pussy needs. An old-fashioned Dicky ride. I tagged him and told him to lay down, and I hover over him to position myself over him.

I rode as he was my trusty stead. Wet, wild, and reliable fella. He jerked every time I thrusted faster and faster until I plopped over with exhaustion. Then, he will lean close to me and start kissing neck all the way up to my lips. They would intertwined like a graceful ballet recital because the movements looked natural and beautiful. A clear hollywood captured makeout scene ready to be placed on film. Before we were able to continue…I woke up from my slumber and rose with such delight and wonder.

So I came over here to write my dream down before I start the day and head off to work. I’m dealing with this heartache by pretending I was lustful toward him, nothing more. With that Idea in mind, it makes me feel shameful and it curls a bit about my situation with for the day. It’s a little hard sometimes but I can’t stop and I think won’t ever, but I guess should start to motivate myself to move on and start a new relationship.

One that will not be unrequited because we both would not be afraid to admit to each other. If he happens to be the future, so be it. Otherwise as of now, he cannot be my priority nor, can I stay in my current state much longer. My life is drifting away by me wallowing like I’m a little girl waiting for my prince to rescue me from my tower. It will be nice to be rescued, so I have to be my own prince/knight in shining armor/ogre whatever.

I have to do things for myself and find a new happiness, and all that starts when I’m confident enough to handle the tasks in my job and build up my credit. The world will keep moving forward and I cannot stray from progression, I will hurt myself harder in the future that is unknown and true. The life as of now isn’t great, but we have to try our best to conquer beyond our limitations.

That’s why, this will be my last journal entry. This book is just reminder of my losses and I’m tired of writing the same things over and over and over again. Dealing with this turmoil against myself just to grow up from this wretched hell that I live now. I have to walk in the pit to come out clean or the pit will continue from ceasing.

Not to mention that there some people waiting for me to start out new and remove myself from my deathly hallow. Dear Diary, we grew close these past months, now it’s time for me to let you go. I’ll come back to you in my conscious where the true and raw information sleeps. I’m going to grab my coffee, so before I do get myself ready to grow up…start erasing all of the words I written here and become a new book for someone else.Your purpose with me is done and we are ready to be planted, cleaned, and amazing people.