Embarrassed

My college years were certainly messy. Not just because of all the partying, the nights spent studying, worrying over all the exams and assignments, trying to seem cool, making friends… but also love. Now, I have never been quite into romance myself, since I am more of a friends and studying girl. But sometimes my heart deceives me, and if it feels good then I will just want to move forward with whatever is going on, regardless if I understand it or not.

And so, I spent countless days at college ignoring the guys who always tried to hit on me. I am over average-looks, getting compliments all the time of people thinking I’m like super hot or whatever, but I generally disagree with them. Black, long hair, slightly tanned, dark eyes, a big smile, a thin frame and boobs that keep the attention away from my small butt. Also, taller than the average girl.

Like I said, I spent my days ignoring guys. Never, in the past, had my experiences with romance been satisfactory or good. I think people take advantage of me too easily, and that is one of the reasons I don’t really embrace the idea of romance or seeking love. However, there was this one I fell head to toes for. He was a tall, skinny brunette that had a great sense of humor and a wonderful smile. I was completely in love, but being the newbie at romance I was, I did not know what to do. I was close but distant at the same time.

We became pretty good friends with time and most days I thought to myself it would never go beyond that, but I was hopeful. When he got a new part-time job, our time to communicate started to diminish and so I thought my feelings for him were going away. What a relief! but then, I realized my feelings were trying to go somewhere else. And then I began to see this one friend I had, whom I had met months before and saw just as a friend, in a romantic way. What drove me to do so? that is still a mystery to me.

I started to hang out a lot with this guy, talking almost every day, through the entire day. He seemed to like the attention and my flirting, which despite my cynical view of love, never held back. It was awkward because I never do these things, but he was receptive of me and seemed to reciprocate. Things went faster than I thought, then I found ourselves having sex in my bedroom one night while my roommate was away.

I was not a virgin, but this was basically my second time. My friend was quite chubby so it was a new experience entirely, and for a few moments I could just not believe we were doing it. His penis was bigger than I expected, and he was good at handling it. Basically he just toyed with me on the bed, tossing me around and moving me to suit his preferences. He ate my pussy like he was licking a jar of honey, going deep with his tongue to reach for my juices, and absorb them. He slurped on my clit with such grace, I could not help coming over and over into his mouth.

He did not last long while fucking, but he knew how to move. He took me from behind and started to carefully but sensually thrust into me, his hard cock being embraced by my warn insides, which stretched to make room for his meat. He continued for a good 15 minutes, then pulled out to come on my butt. After cleaning up, we laid down. After a bit of resting, I decided I had to be clear to my friend, because I was not sure about my feelings towards him since I liked someone else, and I did not want to hurt him in any way, so I decided to tell him how I felt.

“You know, I have a lot of fun with you and have newfound feelings for you, but I am not exactly sure of my feelings for you and I like someone else so I think we should stop this while I figure things out, I wouldn’t like to hurt you or anything” I said, or something along these lines. He looked at me slightly confused, and I felt a shock go down my spine, and tried to act cool.

“What? I’m confused. I wasn’t getting attached to you anyway, I thought we were just fucking around” He said calmly, and it shattered me. Just fucking around? if only he knew how hard it was for me to be open and affectionate, I can’t just fuck around, that would be tiresome and embarrassing. Regardless of how bothered I was feeling, I tried to play it cool.

“Oh, nice, okay, well I guess we can remain as friends” I said back with a shy smile, trying to make it seem genuine. “Yes, that’s fine” He said back with a smile, then began to dress up. God bless he was to leave. After we were dressed up, I hugged him and he left. I went to my bed and laid down and tried to cry but couldn’t, and I was even more confused now. Is it that everybody is going to take me for granted like that? Should I start by saying I don’t fuck around whenever I try something with someone?

I did not hold a grudge towards my friend, It was not his fault to feel that way. It was not really his fault to not take me seriously. I was furious at myself, embarrassed and I felt extremely silly for my feelings. This added to my hatred of romance and vulnerability.

After that night, things weren’t the same, and my and my friend got quite distant. I realized I still liked my other friend, but I decided to never tell him and move on from him. After all, he may think that my subtle flirting, my attention and care for him and how I acted differently towards him were just “fucking around”.