Regrets

It’s the story of how I fucked up the (potentially) best relationship I could have ever had, but now I look back and realize I was just young and dumb and I did not think things through and that I did not think towards a future, just acted out as things were thrown to my face.

I have always been and will always be a loner so pursuing relationships is not really my thing, but like I mentioned before I just act as things are thrown towards me. Through a friend I got to meet a really cute, smart and sweet guy who although he lived in another state, we were able to get real close and I can probably say we still are, even after 3 years and the stuff that happened, which was my fault.

Let’s call this guy A. A was very supportive and gave me a lot of attention, and I was not used to something so good, neither did I think I would have such a nice long distance relationship. I thought these were pointless and always bad. Maybe mine failed but I do know it was because of me, not because of the other guy.

At first, we started just by getting to know each other and talk very casually, then things started to get a little romantic. I am not really into romance, but things with him had the exact good level of romance. Not too cheesy but cheesy enough for us. It was something unusual and cute, he was really romantic in his own way. He was really interested in my life and getting to know my world and everything in between. He had a way to get into my head that nobody else has, or maybe nobody else I have met thus far.

Like I mentioned, I am a big loner. Thus, I do not like talking to others, be it on text or person or by phone calls. However, with this guy it was all different. We could spend the entire day chatting about all kind of things, from silly stuff to deep thoughts and our dreams. We would call each other, calls that lasted for hours and usually consumed all our credit, but I felt very happy. I think her was very happy too; if he had not then he would not give me so much of his time. There were other things we did, but I will not get into much detail for the sake of keeping things to myself.

But things do not stay pretty all the time. He began to become a bit distant, and leave me waiting on him without clear explanations. I started to get real anxious and worried but what I did not see is that I was being shrouded in something bad: selfishness. Not for a moment I stopped to ask what was going in, I just jumped into the conclusion he wanted me out of his life, was already with someone else, and many more crazy ideas I am sure were not even close to be the truth.

As things started to become more and more confusing, I met another guy who was really cute and seemed to be sweet. He was a few years older than me and A, so I thought he was already a mature person. Neither of us were, to be honest. Let’s call him C. C was a rather unusual guy and he was really sweet, but I was never sure of his feelings towards me.

As A and I continued to get distant, I became closer to C and we began to spend a lot more time together. He did live in my city and was someone I could see and touch. Our first date was at my house, we watched a movie together and ate stuff. From that point onwards, his visits started to become more frequent. I started to really enjoy his company and it seemed like he liked mine.

One day, we were left alone at home and he had came and was a bit hungover from a party he had gone to the night before. He had always been a bit prude, even if I tried to have some sort of physical advancement other than kissing. This time, I got him on a weak position and we were able to enjoy each other’s bodies. We only had oral sex, though. He was really shy all the while, which seemed a bit cute to me. I began sucking his dick, he had his eyes closed and was visibly pleased. He moaned just a little as I went up and down his shaft, salivating it as I wanted him to come into my mouth. His dick was short but fat and it was cute. Not very hairy but not completely shaved, like I liked it.

Then, he did me. He was even more shy now but he did good and had me coming into his mouth in a few minutes. I was just really horny. Afterwards we just cuddled for a bit and kissed, almost falling asleep, but he had to leave before my aunt came back home, she did not know he had come. I was left feeling butterflies the rest of the day and convinced myself that I liked him and that he liked me.

So then, I decided I had to formally stop things with A, but I lied. I never told him about C and really, just played victim. Our last phone call was probably 2 minutes long and neither of us could say anything cute or sweet, it was really awkward and hurtful and I cried afterwards. I confronted him on his distance the following day and he told me he had been in a car accident. He was okay but his phone was broken in the accident. I never imagined this.

Even though things were sort of cleared up, I decided to move forward with C and I kind of left A in the dust, pretty much like I thought he was doing when in reality he had other struggles. C and I continued to have dates, until he started to get distant and weird. His texts became less frequent, his visits to my house seemed forced and he just seemed like he did not want to be around me anymore.

One night -the first and last night I would ever want to do this- I got drunk, like bad. When I was in bed, still really drunk, I threw my dignity away and messaged him. And messaged him. And messaged him a lot. Asking him to reply and telling him I missed him. I was crying all the while and it was very hurtful. He never replied but did see my texts.

The following days I decided to distance myself from him and then one day he told me he was not looking for a serious relationship and that I should not think anything of us. It was a lot to handle and I was overcome with a lot of feelings, rage and sadness on top.

I had lost A and C was a dumbass and I dumped A, the best guy, for some prick who sucked my dick once and kissed me a few times. It’s been 2 years already and writing this is a bit hard. After 2 years, A and I have regained our friendship and are quite close and honest to each other. I still like him and think of him sometimes, and wonder if he does the same for me. I miss him. Writing this has been freeing, but just a little.