Unfair

How long has it been? I question myself while looking at my phone, swiping through the pictures of my ex. Although short lived, I feel like it has been my realest experience at love and relationships, at least on my side. While swiping through pictures, I come across a screenshot of one of our conversations. He’s buying me in saying how much he likes me and loves spending time with me. I fell right into him for that, as he made me feel so special overnight. It’s something I never had.

All the dates, all the time spent, all the sleepless nights I spent on him, the ones he spent on me, the promises… it all went to a waste. At least, on his side. And it took me a while to realize that things were always one sided. At least I am glad I never gave him everything I had. But he sure took away a part of me.

I put my phone down, since I felt the tears trying to come out while swiping through these old pictures. Slapped back to reality, I come to realize it’s been 6 months since we last talked, and 7 since we last saw each other, on Valentine’s day, the day he dropped promises I’m still waiting him to fulfill. And all this time I could do nothing but wonder how he was and have mental breakdowns over the thought of him leaving. This was very hard.

Now, people would sure try to ask what the heck do I miss. He was average in looks, kinda bland, and wasn’t even that good at sex; it was even hard sometimes to get aroused by him. But I still loved him. Is this what they call true love? It didn’t matter to me that he would make me fall asleep while I was trying to get things on, but I did cherish him as a person and all the stuff we had done.

And these months have been rough. All I can do is throw hints, because I never wanted to risk getting back to him and getting a cold reply, just to be hurt more by his indifference. But a few days ago until now, I decided it has been long enough and that I may as well try talking to him again; because there was nothing to lose. Not anymore. And I know I want him.

After a few days, finally on vacation from college, I decided I was free enough to try talking to him. It was a Tuesday, a weird day for these kinda things. I was decided and cheered myself up, though, even if I was extremely nervous. It was so hard looking at the chat screen on my phone like so many times before, but this time, I was ready to send the first message again. Little did I know…

After a bit of struggling, I did send that message. I was not expecting him to, but he replied very fast. It was a cold reply, however. “How are you” with no interrogation sign or anything; it felt like a forced reply at best. Instantly, I was splashed with more memories. Of chatting, of course. How much he ignored me before and how long it took him to reply. I thought he was on his day off but he was actually at work, and he replied quite fast. This clashed with what he had told me before that he could not talk at work. Of course, I knew it was a lie because I would always see him online. Anyway, I did not want to think anything negative if I was expecting to forgive.

We talked for a bit, catching up on what each other has been doing. He asked me about my work, and almost limited the conversation to that. Things started to look more and more fragile when he told me he was planning to move out; he would be far from me. Time to give up? Not yet. Then, I tried to ask if he was going to move out with his family or what. He deflected the question a bit until he replied. He was moving out with his new boyfriend, in a month or so. I instantly snapped and tried not to cry. I turned away from the phone screen and cried a little. How could this be all so unfair?

It’s not unfair that he’s taken or anything. It’s not that. It’s just that I spent all these months thinking about him, trying to reach out, send hints, worrying, overthinking, missing him and crying, rejecting other guys because I was so hung up on him and he moved on so easily and found another boyfriend in such a short span of time? That just gave me the closure he never gave me, that coward; he never liked me or cared about my feelings.

I tried to play it cool but I just didn’t want to talk anymore. He kept trying to make conversation and I couldn’t avoid it, I kept being attracted to him. Don’t get me wrong; I knew this was the final straw. I didn’t want to talk to him anymore or hear from him anymore after this. It was unfair. Yet, I don’t wish him any harm of unhappiness. I guess that if that guy he’s with makes him happy then it’s okay. I’ll find someone else.

This was a painful but liberating experience. I never saw it coming and yet, I cherish the good times we had when we were going out. I just wish things had turned out differently but they never do. I still miss him and stuff, but I’ve had enough of this emotional wreckage. He can do whatever he wishes. I just want my peace. I don’t care who’s fucking him or where or how.