Testing sex toys

My Amazon delivery this weekend looked like a sex shop exploded. Two bottles of pinot grigio and a mission: test every single one. I started with the basics—a classic, ridged vibrator, decent size, nothing too scary. Got the engine running, you know? But then I moved on to the real players.

The second was this rabbit thing with ears that flicker at like a million speeds. Weird sensation, kinda like a tiny tongue having a seizure on your clit. Not bad. Third was a glass dildo, all curved and cool to the touch. Slippery as hell with lube, hitting spots that made my back arch off the bed. Finished the first bottle of wine around here.

The fourth was the showstopper. This monster they call a “Goliath Wand.” Pure black, looked like a power tool. I turned it on low and it already sounded like a distant helicopter. Pressed it against me and damn near saw god. I had to crank my Spotify to full volume, some trashy pop playlist, to drown out the noises I was making.

I’m pretty sure my neighbors now think I’m insane. Fifth was a set of ben wa balls, little smooth orbs that shift inside you with every move. Walked to the kitchen for the second bottle feeling every. Single. Step.

The sixth and final act was a silicone thing with a suction cup. Stuck that bastard to my shower wall and rode it reverse cowgirl, watching myself in the mirror, completely gone, wine glass sweating on the sink. It was a marathon. A filthy, glorious, solo marathon.

Now I’m just lying here in the wreckage, wires and toys everywhere, thinking how much more fun this is gonna be with a real, live person to help me run through the entire collection. For hours.